Nicole Bond

Down in the depths Of a tormented soul Lies pain and sadness That will take its toll.

To describe the depth In gruesome detail It’s a wonder how God Could ever prevail.

Let’s take sadness
And redefine
It’s cold and lonely Requiring intervention divine.

Sadness that deepens With years of disbelief That my almighty God Can offer relief.

Instead its poison Rots me inside
Its effects are toxic There’s nowhere to hide.

As I try to cope
And failure comes again
I turn away from God Where my healing could begin. It’s okay though
As I laugh and smile
But the underlying truth is

I’m only okay for a while.

The cycle restarts
The sadness will resurface As though tears and despair Are its only purpose.

How many times
Can one human stand Being turned upside down And sadness is where I land.

The number of times I’ve lost control This cycle of sadness Begins to mount.

Same beginning, Same end
It becomes who I call My “best friend.”

I stay up for a minute Then spin like a top It’s like the carousel That never will stop!
I am consumed by The mire and the muck As darts are thrown To avoid them I duck.

As I sink lower

To avoid the darts The despair and sadness Begin to restart.

The pit is deep I’m lonely and tired What I need to do Is feel inspired.

A glimmer of hope? Hope is a tease
It leaves so quickly
I smother, I can’t breathe.

What’s this, a friend? No it’s just pain,
A deadly combination That will drive me insane!

Sadness made a friend, “Nice to meet you pain,” So powerful when harbored Inner death is obtained. Pain is a tree
That matures so slow
As it grows it will bring me To an all-time low.

Pain is good
When approached as a teacher But when left to fester,
It is a paralyzing creature.

The creatures are many Bitterness, self-pity So many names Pain has a plenty.

Eventually I realize
My pain is deep seeded
I search for a way out But to God I never pleaded.

Pain and sadness
A combo for disaster
It accelerates at speeds
That devours me faster and faster.

When I close my eyes
I see black with red faces Satan it seems
It’s taking me places.
The ups are few
The downs more frequent
To define pain and sadness
It means absent and delinquent.

So facing the music Of death while living I turn to a substance That keeps on giving.

I found an outlet So powerful but small It’s always there

To take my call.

Reliable but deadly This substance relieves My sadness, my pain I begin to believe.

I’ve found it, that’s it! The answer I mean To end my despair On it I lean.

Its reputation is euphoric, Peaceful and sly Something so small Tells such a big lie.
So small, yet large
It starts with just one Two or three will be better It makes it more fun.

The numbers increase
I need more of you Pain and sadness returns Please do what you do!

So there it is Reality sets in,
My dependence on you Is fed from within.

To heal this damage

I need to open the door But by morning it changes And I want you more!

So I feed what haunts me Darkness no more
My light shines temporarily But not as bright as before.

I feed it and feed it But something is wrong I don’t feel euphoric The high is gone!?
So along with pain And along with sadness The physical deprivation Has resulted in madness.

Now there are three Pain, sadness and sickness. What has happened? Has it all been worth this?

I think I’ve been lied to I’m dazed and confused. So enticing and friendly I should never have used!

You liar, you traitor
You got in my head!
You smothered me, haunted me I’d rather be dead!

So simply put
So simply said
I have to put you down You’re heavy as lead.

You have great ability To be so small
You cost me everything I stumble and fall. Multiple attempts To leave you alone I’m weary and sick My body just groans.

I hate you, I love you, My mind won’t shut down! Its races uncontrollably
I try not to drown.

I can barely move You drain me of sleep You are poison inside me I can’t even eat!

You control me, you confine me You wrap me in chains!
I can’t believe
I’m back to sadness and pain!

You masked yourself And said you would help But you failed me and left me

With the hand I’ve been dealt.

I have to have you At any cost!
The sickness is so bad I’m so lonely and lost! It takes more of you To satisfy me
I’m losing sight
Of ever breaking free.

When is enough, enough? As I knock at deaths door It’s clear to me
It’s never enough, I want more!

The desire to be free Is not great enough yet This isn’t my bottom So I’ll take what I get.

I’ll tell you what I got I got sucked in!
I’m weak, I’m done There’s no way to win!

Uncle…I give! Release me of devastation! Jesus, help me find
My planned destination.

See what you made me do?

I’m in so deep
I’m calling on Jesus. Making promises I can’t keep. Help me Jesus, I cry out I’m sick in my mind Have you been there Jesus? There the whole time.

If it’s you Holy One Answer me this
Did you stand by and watch me Take every hit?

What were you thinking? As you watched your child Living in chaos Instead of meek and mild!?

I lied, I stole
I manipulated and cheated. I isolated, I hid
Left alone and defeated.

I’ve been so low
I could reach and touch hell. I still couldn’t stop Even after time in a cell.

You looked on me God And saw a thief
Never doubting that one day I would have faith and belief.

I hurt you and tormented you Lasing out in fear
All this time I thought,
“Is this falling on deaf ears?”

Years of chaos
You say “you’re the man.” I ask you God,
“Was this your plan?”

I’m broken and torn Beyond repair
You say you can help me, Do you really care?

I put up a front
But the battle ensues Can I trust that this God Can make me renewed?

Satan is slick
He slithers, he’s sly He hovers around Waiting for me to die.

Little does he know, That my death will come But I will be a new creation And live in the Kingdom!
I hold in my grasp
A glimmer of hope
As God reaches out to me

And throws me a rope.

I grip it so tight
And pray, “Let this end!” And I ask God to be My very best friend.

He offers so much Of his mercy and grace He makes me feel Like I’ll win this race.

No isolation allowed! No sadness or pain. For when I accepted Him His love poured like rain.

His love, it saturated me I’m dripping wet Thank God, you provided me With your safety net!

All failures and trials Were part of His plan. Will I ever understand The love of this man? He washed me with blood And cleansed my soul

My past has vanished, Out with the old.

In with the new

That’s what I need God Himself has Planted a seed.

How miraculous God A sinner like me Will soon be growing Into a healthy tree.

The choices are mine He left those in my hands With Him inside me
I know I can stand.

No hiding, no shame The slate is wiped clean I get it God
I know what you mean.

I’ll do my part
And you can do yours
I trust that my God Will open the doors. I’ll walk through them With my head held high And enjoy the still waters That God will provide.

Give it up Satan! Addiction is dead! God has finally remove you From inside my head.

Nothing to do now But enjoy the ride All things are possible With God by my side.

Not to say
There’s not work to be done. But let’s face it,
It’s easier with God’s son.

God, I praise you and honor you And thank you too. Continue to show me What to do.

The magnitude of your Presence Pierces my heart.
Hold my hand please
And do not part.
I’ve left many times
Now I’m here to stay
I ask you God,
“Please show me your way.”

By Nichole Bond
2014